Have you ever found yourself in a relationship slump? One where instead of spending hours talking to one another you now sit scrolling on your phone in different rooms? One where your rely on each other to the daily functional tasks of living but not much else? One where the person that used to give you excitement and passion now brings you more so comfort and, if we are being honest, feels a little boring? Then you may be in a "roommate" relationship slump. Don't worry, these periods are normal for all couples to go through, especially during stressful life events. The important thing is to not let yourselves linger there for too long and have this become your relationship norm. So how do you go from being roommates to lovers again? The answer is in small but important ways you interact with one another on a daily basis:
TIME TOGETHER VS QUALITY TIME
Sitting in the same room watching TV may seem like time together, but it's not necessarily quality time. Quality time is more than just about being in the same place or the doing the same thing (going for a walk, watching a show, cooking, etc...). It's about being engaged and present with one another during whatever is is you're doing. Asking questions, hearing one another's thoughts, and being mindful about each other's presence can elevate even the most mundane activities into bonding time for one another. Even if you're tapped out and just need to scroll a bit at the end of the day, show each other what you're looking at, discuss the things that interest you, and find ways to be playful with one another. There are lots of way to relax AND get quality time in during a busy week.
ROUTINE VS SPONTANEITY
Going out to the exact same places on a date, doing the same activities over and over one another, and even knowing exactly what to expect from each other can be comforting, but it also doesn't leave room for much excitement (which is an essential part of passion!) If you've noticed that you and your partner have fallen into a routine of predictability, whether it be your dates, your sex life, or even your behavior, consider changing things ups to add an element of surprise and fun into your relationship. Arrange to do a novel activity together, approach intimacy in a different way, or even find different topics of conversation to discuss with your partner are all great ways to make it feel like dating hasn't stopped.
AVOIDANCE VS ENGAEMENT
This may sound counterintuitive, but couples who avoid arguments actually tend to report feeling less connected and satisfied than couples who are willing to hash it out. While this is no means an advertisement for more arguments, couples who can address concerns and grievances with one another are the ones that are better able to avoid the trap of settling for a dissatisfying relationship or building resentment. Being able to work through conflict effectively with your partner may feel tricky in the moment, but ultimately shows you care enough about one another to keep moving your relationship forward.
BASIC HELP VS ABOVE AND BEYOND
Again, this may be controversial, but doing things like dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, etc... are all very nice. However, these are all things you would be doing as an adult living on your own anyways. So while these things may make you a good partner, they don't necessarily make you an exciting lover. Instead, adding romantic or thoughtful gestures are what will really make a difference when it comes to generating love and passion in a long term relationship. Think about the last nice thing you've done for your partner, and ask yourself if it's the same you would do for a close friend or roommate. If the answer is yes, consider what could take it up a notch to really show your partner how you care.
CONCLUSION
Navigating the balance between stability and passion is an ongoing journey for most couples. But remembering that monotony does not have to be the end goal of all long term relationships is the key to having a happy and successful life with one another. If you feel like you're struggling with passion in your relationship, consider taking one of my couples therapy seminars. Reach out to me at speakteasyma@gmail.com to schedule a consultation!
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